If you can't feed one hundred...

I am the type of person who can sometimes tend to feel overwhelmed. When that happens sometimes I completely shut down and cease all action whatsoever. This happened to me one week during spring semester. I felt so overwhelmed with all of the work I had to do that I didn't do a single bit of it for two days. Of course this only put me further behind, thus making me even more overwhelmed. It's a downward spiral that only leads to more despair. For the past few years I have really tried to work on doing what needs to be done without worrying about the magnitude of the task. It has worked well in most areas of my life. I budget money pretty faithfully, plan out my school tasks by the day, and try to keep all of the activities I need to accomplish on a calendar. There is one area in which I have so far not been able to conquer my overwhelmed feelings - charity. I've always been involved in charity work to some degree, but there is SO MUCH need all the time for charities. There is the heifer charity, the mosquito net charity, the well charity, children who need to be sponsored in every place throughout the world, natural disaster relief, medical clinics overseas that need support, missionaries needing partners, not to mention local charities and needs - the list is practically endless. It's completely overwhelming to me. Even though I would love to give to all of them, I'm no millionaire. I tend to just sigh and say, "Wow, they're doing a great work... I'd love to help, but how do I chose one good work over any other good work?" More often than not, I simply end up not doing anything because I let myself feel like by choosing one organization to support, I am somehow turning my back on everything else out there. My main frustration is the feeling that I can't do it all by myself. And that's a valid feeling - I can't. But I came across a quote by Mother Teresa that really gave me perspective. She said "If you can't feed a hundred people, then feed just one." That really shook me. I can't feed all of the hungry people in the world. I can't give them all of the medical care and teaching that they need. But today Mother Teresa's words really sunk in. I watched a youtube video called Kisses from Katie.mp4 that really touched my heart. I realized that to each of those children, "feeding one" means the difference between life and death. I realized that touching one life makes a HUGE difference if you are the one whose life is being touched. Maybe there are some of you, like me, who feel overwhelmed with how much need there is, and who feel like you might as well do nothing if you can't do something "major." If so, I hope this has been a little bit of encouragement to you. I hope one day I can feed one hundred. But today I can feed one. So I will :)

Sam

You know how sometimes events sneak up on you? Christmas did that to me last year. I was just trucking along and all of a sudden bam! there was Christmas. Well the same thing happened to me today when I looked at my calender to see how many weeks I had left til Sam went to school. I knew this was July, and that he started school in August, but somehow I still had it in my head that I had three or four weeks left with him. Then I was talking to my mom about how "he'll be going to school soon" (as I've been saying for months), and decided to look at my calender to see just how many weeks I had left. The answer shocked me. Next week? That can't be right... I'm going to recalculate. But as many times as I checked, I still got the same answer. It made sense, really... this is the 27th, of course the 5th is next week. Starting the middle of next week, Sam will go to school all day, every day.
Now you have to understand, Sam isn't mine. Not really. He has two parents, a sister, grandparents, aunts and uncles which I have no relation to at all. But to me, Sam is more than a kid I take care of. In fact, he's more like Samuel in the Bible - my firstborn that I don't get to keep. I got Sam when he was a mere 3 1/2 months old and I was 18. When I wasn't keeping Sam I was thinking or talking about him. I was always going around talking about the latest thing he'd learned or something funny he'd done. I poured my life into that little person and developed such a love for him that I literally wouldn't want to leave in the evenings. As far as I was concerned, he was mine. I took seriously the responsibility of caring for and teaching him, and treated him just as I would have my own. His parents became more like family than employers and before long, we were just one big happy family.
A lot has changed in these past 4 years, and he was right there in the midst of all of it. He was with me on numerous dates, waving goodbye the day I left for Ecuador, taking pictures with me the morning I got engaged, kissing me at my wedding, and coming in to see "his new sister" the morning after Selina was born. He's been far more than a job - he's been a part of my life. I look back over the years I've had with him and wonder where they went. He's certainly not a baby anymore. He now "eats" my kisses, dresses himself, and has "big boy playtime" while the current babies take morning naps. But one thing hasn't changed. I love him. He has outgrown his need for a nanny, but he will never outgrow his place in my heart. It's goodbye to this season, but not to him. Just so everyone knows, I still have first dibs when Guy and Lou Ellen need an after school or weekend babysitter!


Can't believe he was ever this small...



Before Ecuador! I love these people.



The morning I got engaged. I didn't know that at the time, of course...



"Bible time" with Knox. Some of my happiest memories :)



My sweet baby on the best day ever!


Christmas decorating 2008


With Baby Selina. One of my favorite pictures.


Summer 2010. They love each other so much :)

Homemade Baby Food - It's Easier Thank You'd Think!

Chopped organic veggies steamed to perfection, processed into baby food consistancy. And ta-da! Homemade baby food :) Selia loves it!

Sacrificing Freedom for Something Better

I am a free spirit. I like to have flexibility in my days so I can do out of the ordinary things. Cole is very much the same way, and strangely enough, it works well. We both like to do things on the spur of the moment and like to feel free. Getting married, strangely, didn't make either of us feel tied down... at least not in a bad way, like most people say. Now we both had a constant companion in our musings and random whims to go out of town and do fun things. We liked it this way and since we had enough sense to not be irresponsible in our ventures, it worked.

Fast forward three short months. I stared down at a positive pregnancy test and knew in that instant that my life would be changed forever. I was thrilled at the idea of being a mother, but I was incredibly apprehensive about how life would change. I felt guilty of my fear, knowing that a child was a blessing and gift, but on the other hand I just couldn't imagine exactly what life would be like. I had been a nanny for 2 1/2 years, and before that had spent a lot of time around children so I knew what to expect as far as caring and nurturing a child, but it wasn‘t 24/7 for years upon end. I knew, as a mother, there is no such thing as "taking off" and I did my best to prepare myself for the change. The few people I was honest with about it were incredibly encouraging about my feelings being completely normal. "Once she's born, you won't be able to imagine life being any different" a friend told me. I wasn't sure I believed her, but really hoped it would be true for me. I was excited as I got ready for her and after a little while, didn't think much about the change anymore. I didn't have time to!

She came 2 1/2 weeks early, on an incredibly stressful, but nonetheless beautiful day. There were 5 1/2 hours from my first contraction to the time she was born in a near perfect delivery. When she was placed in my arms, I was shocked. She didn't look anything like I'd expected her to. When Ianna was born 2 1/2 weeks earlier, she looked like a clone of Merisha as a baby. Selina didn't look a thing like me, and I didn't think she looked like Cole either. But one thing was certain: She was the most beautiful baby I'd ever seen. That night I didn't sleep. The night following I didn't either. All I wanted to do was look at her. Cole had the nurse take her to the nursery at some point so I could sleep, but I was a wreck the whole time she was gone.

When we got home, reality set in. She slept very well for a newborn, but was a light sleeper who wouldn't sleep in her car seat. This meant I was home-bound. I wouldn't be seeing anyone unless they wanted to come see me. I had some mild drug induced depression which made everything seem way worse than it really was. Overwhelmed is the best word I can use to describe it. So in the first two months I really felt like everything was just a huge deal. Going out of the house was a no. Waaay to overwhelming to even think about! After a while I decided I’d rather live with the effects of not taking the medication and be myself than to continue in this very uncharacteristically down me. I got off of the medication and within a couple of weeks I was a new person. Or actually, I was back to the old person. Either way, things were looking up!

And now that I’m back to myself, it amazes me how little of a sacrifice my freedom seems to be. I definitely don’t have the chance to go and do things at the spur of the moment anymore, at least not for now, and sometimes I still long for those by gone days. But overall, I consider my life to be far better than it was 6 months ago. When a friend asked me how I was adjusting to being a mom, I responded this way: “Ya know, you can prepare yourself for the sleepless nights, the responsibility of having a child rely on you all the time and the change it will make. But no one can prepare you for the love you will feel for your child.” It’s simply indescribable. When I look into those beautiful dark blue eyes, see her amazing smile and cuddle her close, nothing seems like nearly so much of a sacrifice. 2 am feedings? Got it. Pumping every 2 hours because baby REFUSES to nurse? No problem. “Sorry, I can’t, Selina just went down for a nap.” Worth it.

The past 5 ½ months have flown by just as I knew they would. I’ve loved every moment and I can say, I’ve lived them to the fullest. I’ve nurtured and loved my child. I’ve watched in amazement as she does new things. I’ve spent countless hours just looking at her, trying to soak in the moment, knowing so soon she’ll be past this amazing age. And I’ve prayed. Prayed that God would make me into the mother I should be. Prayed that she would learn to hear his voice. Though some people may call it “tied down,” I don‘t regret an instant I spent with her. To me, she’s worth any amount of freedom I’ve lost a hundred times over.

A Few of Selina's 2 Week Portraits

Happy Hospital Birth

In the circles I was raised in, especially as I got older, home birth was a big deal. It seemed like most people I knew were having their babies at home or in a birthing center, so naturally I thought I'd follow in that trend when I had my babies. I had heard all kinds of hospital birth horror stories and all about the evils of doctors "just doing what's easiest for them" and had dreams of a water birth in a birthing center. After all, that's really the only way to have a good birthing experience, right?
Well, that's all well and good if you're in a sizable city, but in Natchez (population 20,000) there isn't a female OB, much less a birthing center with a midwife. This caused me no small amount of frustration when I first found out I was pregnant. I decided I'd drive to Brookhaven (a little over an hour away) to the only female OB around, but was still distressed about having to have my baby in a hospital at all, especially without the option of laboring in a whirlpool. After my first visit, I knew she was definitely not the doctor for me. I racked my brain all the way home... how in the world was I going to have a remotely successful birth that I wouldn't look back on with horror? I got home and made an appointment with an OB in Natchez. I had heard great things about Dr Carey as a doctor and as a person, in fact, one of Cole's best friend's credits him to his wife surviving a very difficult miscarriage. But still, it's a small town, and I knew him. In fact, my mom works for him and his wife doing housekeeping and I taught his son guitar lessons. But I went forward knowing I was making the best decision. Then Merisha and I toured the 2 hospitals. Neither of them seemed as conducive to natural birth as I had hoped, but I made my choice. I trucked along for the first few months discouraged. After my first visit, I was very glad I had chosen Dr Carey to be my doctor, but still didn't want a hospital birth at all. It was just not what I had in mind. I decided to research doing natural childbirth in hospitals. Wow. I read all kinds of helpful things like "a hospital is the most unnatural environment imaginable to labor in," "hospitals are such a cold, sterile enviornment" and "doctors only care about what is easy for them, whereas a midwife has your best interest at heart." I'm pretty sure I had never been so discouraged in all of my life. I had resigned myself to having a regular hopsital birth with all of the medications that go with it because I honestly didn't belive it was possible to give birth naturally in a hospital and it be anything less than horrid. Much less a good experience.

I hired a doula to be a labor coach and to offer support and advice (that was definitely the best little chunk of change I've spent lately!) She was really encouraging that I could have a good experience regardless of the fact that I wasn't getting my way. So I stopped pouting, stopped reading the nay-say books and stopped listening to everyone's opinions. This was the only option I had and I was going to give it a shot! Who knows, I thought, it may not be as bad as they say. And you know what I learned? "People" are wrong. My doctor did care about how I felt and wanted me to have a good birth. My nurses were supportive of me wanting to try to go natural and honored my wishes. Laboring in a bed is not the end of the world. In fact, I found it far less painful than using the birthing ball my doula brought for me to try! No one tried to force me to get an epedural to make me easier to deal with. No one gave me unnecessary checks, cuts and surgeries.
And I did it. Not only that, it was a wonderful experience. So here's a success story. If you've got a doctor you trust to do what is best, nurses who care about your wishes, and a person or two cheering you on, natural childbirth in a hospital can be great :)

Introducing...

Selina Grace Rutherford :)

Home

I have learned over the years that I adapt very quickly to my surroundings. In a hut in the jungle, house sitting in a mansion, in a cabin in Colorado, it's all the same to me. Wherever I am, I am at home. But there's something different about leaving a home you've known and knowing you'll never return. When we moved out of our little apartment last Saturday I was almost sad. The place where our life together began, where we spent our first Christmas together, where we found out we were having a baby. In just a year so many memories were made there. When we dropped the keys in the slot on the office door at 10:00 last Sunday night and drove away, I felt homesick. But it was time.
Now, I'm settling in to our new home and looking forward to the memories we will have here. Bringing Selina home with us in just a few weeks will hopefully be the first of many happy times that make a home feel like a home. I feel a great sense of accomplishment as a walk through each room and see the (almost!) finished result of all of our hard work. When I opened all of the windows this morning to let in the beautiful fall air, sat snugly on the sofa with a cup of coffee and closed my eyes, I felt almost giddy about the new beginning. Yes, this place too will be my home.

Changing of Seasons

This time last year I was in the home stretch of planning the most significant day of my life. My wedding day. As I walked along the bluff on a cool afternoon this past week I looked down to the spot some of my bridal portraits were taken. It was about this time last year, just as we were getting some cool days, that I was there looking out over the river in my wedding gown trying to imagine what it would be like to be a wife.
Seasons have changed from fall to winter to spring to summer and now coming back to fall. As the months have gone on I am amazed anew at God's faithfulness. I think back to a year ago and find it hard to remember what it was like to not be married to Cole. Now, with our first daughter due two days before our fist anniversary, I have different questions. What will it be like to be a mother? What will she look like? How will our lives change because of her? I don't worry, though. Because I know through all of the challenges and changes of my life, God has been faithful.
Sometime in the next 9 weeks, my life will change forever - again. And though I know that will bring good things and difficult things, God will be there and he will sanctify me through it.
As I write, our little baby girl squirms and moves within me and I think of something that a friend of a friend said years ago in a paper he wrote: "Remember that you are a living chalice which will one day bear souls for which Christ died to save. There is no greater calling in life than that." At the time I first read that I was about 15, but it has stuck with me. When I hear her heartbeat, feel her move, or try to imagine holding her in my arms for the first time, I know this is part of why I was created. To give her life, and prepare her to live eternally serving our God. What a privilege! What a responsibility! Ready or not, here she comes :)

Sonogram Pictures

Here are the latest baby pictures! These are really similar, but the detail on the face was better in the first, and of everything else in the second so I put them both :-)

Happy Happenings

Definitely the most noteworthy news of the year is that I'm going to have a baby! I'm due November 5, so that makes me currently about 13 weeks. The above picture was taken at 9 weeks and I have my second sonogram today, so I'll be posting pictures from that soon :-)

I have been excited from the start, but I think it's starting to sink in a little that the baby will actually be mine to keep. I've spent so much of my life taking care of other people's children and loving other people's children that I really couldn't imagine having one of my own and what that would feel like. I'm trying to imagine my life in six months when the baby comes home and it's with me all the time...no nights and weekends off as I've grown accustomed to with Sam. But more-so when I look into it's eyes and know it's a part of me. Pretty amazing stuff.

I haven't felt great during the first trimester, but no real sickness to speak of (let me again stress that I completely support the notion that Jennifer Williams should be admitted to sainthood). A lot of tiredness and a general "blah" feeling, but in all, I've been blessed in that this time around. What fun I am having plannng the nursery and picking out baby things!

Well, things to do, as always. Hopefully I'll get good pictures at my 3-D sonogram today!

And by the way, yes, I do realize I'm due 2 weeks and 1 day apart from Merisha, and no, we did not "plan" it that way :-P It's going to be fun!

Ramblings

I had a dream last night that I had a baby girl and she wasn't very cute, but I loved her anyway.
Anyway, life has been very interesting over the past few weeks. We had Sam for a week while his parents were in St Thomas, so that was fun, but pretty exhausting.
Merisha's going to have a baby! I'm going with her to her first doctor's appoitment on Wednesday, which is very exciting. I think we should be able to hear the heartbeat and maybe even see a little blob :-)
Also, Cole got a new job! This was very exciting, even though God amazingly provided for us in the 6 weeks between jobs. I find that when I think too much about my circumstances I get worried and my trust in God starts to fade. The balance between being a responsible human being and trusting God in all things is sometimes a difficult rope to walk. But there really are circumstances in life that are completely and totally out of your own control. You do what you can to be responsible and try different things, but at the end of the day, you realize you're completely helpless. I've found myself in that place over and over in my life, and it always amazes me that the faithfulness of God really is never failing. Over the past few weeks there were a few times when I focused on my circumstances a little too much and freaked out, but all in all, I tried to remind myself about all of the other times God has been faithful in my life, and about his promises. Not that I believe being a Christian automatically means an easy life - far from it. But it means you're not alone in your struggles. It means that in the times of the most difficult trials, he carries you. There is nothing more comforting to me than that.

I'm alive!

I always think that I'm going to start blogging again, but can not find the time. And sometimes when I do have time, I go to my blog, click "new post" and stare at the computer screen not knowing what to type.
My life isn't really boring, I promise, but bloggable? Probably not. Oh well!
First of all, I love being married. I really have the best husband ever. He always seems to know just the right thing to say or do to make life a little more wonderful :-) I don't feel like I've been married quite long enough for people to hear me say these things without saying "oh, just wait." I don't understand why people assume that newleyweds think that marriage will always be easy and that they should inform them otherwise.
Secondly, I love Sam. I never thought I'd be able to love a child that wasn't mine as much as I love him. I can say first hand that biblical discipline and training is doable, it works and is incredibly rewarding. Why don't more people do it? He's now 2 1/2 and loves to pretend he is hunting. He often tells me "Look, Robin, I got the big buck!" Being a nanny is definitely the best job ever :-)

I'm learning faith again, which isn't a bad thing. Sanctification is rarely fun, but I know it is worth it. I used to hope my children would have an easier life than I've had, but I don't anymore. They won't have the same circumstances that I did, but I want them to see firsthand that God is always faithful. I want them to see his grace, his justice, his love and his provision. I want them to know God.

So in all, I'm blessed. And I'm learning to see the blessings in things that don't look like such at first glance..

A Few Wedding Pictures

For anyone who doesn't have facebook, you can view several pictures from my photographer using the link bellow:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=187179&l=31469&id=677170103

I can't wait til the rest of them come in!

The Wedding, the Honeymoon, and Life as a Wife

I'm happy to report that my wedding was everything I'd hoped and dreamed it would be. The weather was perfect, my musicians followed through beautifully, I managed to keep it a secret that I would sing a song to Cole and that I had enlaid his wedding band with stones from my purity ring, we both said I do and lots of people cried. Cole surprised me with a horse and carriage to take us from the church to the reception, the cake was delicious and no one fell off of the bluff. There are a hundred other things that went beautifully, and very few that didn't. The best part is that I was not nervous at all! The day before the wedding I was, very much. Even at the bridesmaid breakfast on the morning of the wedding I was on pins and needles. I don't know what happened after that, though, because I was incredibly chill for the rest of the day, which was amazing.
I'm very glad that I will have photographs and a video, because even though I thoroughly enjoyed the wedding day, so much happened! I feel like it all went by so quickly.
The honeymoon in the Rocky Mountains was amazing! I had always wanted to visit there and I definitely wasn't disapointed. The weather was wonderfuly snowy and sunny, the mountains were beautiful and the people were - without exception - incredibly nice.
Now it's back to real life, and call me a newly wed with her head in the clouds, but I'm enjoying it. I told a friend of mine on the way back from my honeymoon "I guess it's back to reality!" and she replied "Yeah, but reality is so much better now because you have each other." I have found this to be true. I love being married and responsible for my own home. It's a lot of responsibility, but it is also brings me much joy.
As I read over this post it's a bit unlike my other posts. It's a bit thrown together and random. I almost deleated the entire thing and started fresh, but no. It'd take me ten years to write a detailed post of everything that has happened in the past couple of weeks. I may go back and write details on things, but here is an overview of my life so far :-)

The Beginning

In four days my life will change. I don't know exactly what that means yet, but I'm excited to find out. I have moments of nervousness and fear, but for the most part I'm just thrilled to be on the verge of the beginning of the rest of my life.
The wedding won't be perfect, I know, but I really think it will be beautiful. There is still only a 10% chance of rain and the tempature should be absolutely wonderful! I have full confidence in my wedding coordinator, musicians, and friends and family who have offered to pull together to get everything ready. I still have several things on my "To Do" list, but nothing I can't manage.
A friend told me when I set this blog up several years ago "Once you get married, what are you going to do about the name of your blog? Change it to Matron-No-Longer-In-Waiting?" :-)
I still haven't decided about that. If you read one of the first posts I ever write, it could make sense to keep the current name, but I don't know. Hmm.
Okay, that was a bunny trail. Back to the subject. I'm excited! And even if nothing goes how its supposed to, I'm going home as the wife of the man I love. To me, that's perfect.

6 Things About Me

I was tagged by Ashley

1 I like food. A lot. Pretty much any kind of food, as long as it's not raw or Ecuadorian, I'll eat it and take get a good amount of enjoyment out of it.

2 I want to live in a big city again!! I love Natchez, don't get me wrong, but I really miss living in a larger city. I think the food is the main thing I miss, actually. And Starbucks...

3 I play 4 instruments and sing. I wish I would have practiced more growing up!! I should be 15 x better on all of my instruments than I currently am, and it is extrodinarily distressing. When I lived in New Orleans, I had some of the finest teachers in this part of the country teaching me, and I totally took it for granted (kicking self repeatedly)

4 I want to travel - and possibly live - all over the world. The world is so big and amazing, I can't imagine spending my entire life in just one part of it!

5 I'm getting married in 24 days! That's crazy. I can't believe it's so soon! I'm very excited to start my new life with Cole and see what God will do with us :-)

6 I don't consider myself to be afraid of anything. But if I were honest, I'd say I'm insanely afraid of roaches. It's not a rational fear, but I think they are the most disgusting, ugly, hidious creatures on the planet and I scream and run and pitch a fit if I see one across the room. All I have to do is gasp and Cole starts saying "Where? Where is it?" It's rediculous that I could let an Ecuadorian spider run across my bed (while I was laying on it, might I add) and not even care, but when a roach is 50 feet away, I have a cow.

So there. I tag Merisha. But she won't do it, she hasn't blogged in like 6 months.

Trust

Life has been very busy over the past several weeks. The closer I get to the wedding, the more details I have to work out, but everything is going very smoothly. I can't believe how quickly time goes by. When I got engaged on Valentine's Day, November 8th sounded like an eternity away, but now I have about a month and a half left. Forty five days from one of the most life altering days of my life. I don't know when it will all sink in that this is really happening.
One thing that never ceases to amaze me is how perfectly God provides our needs in His timing. From the apartment, to Cole's new job, to my raise, to all of the details coming to place for the wedding, I'm so grateful for the blessings I've been given recently. God's timing would have still be perfect if things weren't going how I thought they should go, of course, but I'm thankful that over the past several years He has taught me a lesson that will last me a lifetime: Trust. I don't worry about my life. He has proven time and time and time again that He will be faithful. Not that it will always be easy - far from it. But He will be there guiding and sustaining me through whatever He has for me to experience. That is a lesson I'd walk through the fire 1,000 times again to learn.

Prayer

Why don't Christian's pray more? If we really believed in prayer like we say we do, and were confident in it's power, I think we would. But somewhere along the way, most Christian's loose sense of the incredible nature of prayer. If you think about it, it's really one of the most incredible things we will ever do. To be able to approach the Creator of the Universe, the One who holds all of life in His hand is really a sobering thought. Nowadays, when someone says "I'll pray for you" it means little more than "good luck!" I'm quite guilty of this myself. I always have the best of intentions of praying for that person, and probably do at least once, but somehow I get so busy thinking and doing a million different things, I forget one of the most important things I can do in a day.
The mystery of prayer never ceases to astound me. The balance of God's sovereignty and our responsibility to obey is quite a bit over my head. All I know is this: God is sovereign and His will will be accomplished. He has commanded that I pray and in doing this, I have the privilege of being involved in His work. Just another reminder that He is God and I am not. Oh how unfathomable are His ways! Somehow not always completely understanding Him makes me feel more secure, not less.

A random update: I chose my wedding ceremony music! It was not nearly as much of a big deal as I had myself believeing it was :-)