I say I think because I’m not exactly sure...I’ve never really been homesick before. I’m the one who, after being away for weeks and weeks will get a phone call from my mom asking "Homesick yet?" and I have to quickly decide rather to be nice and say "Oh yeah, of course!" or be honest.
But this time it’s true. I really do miss home. I mean, of course I miss New Orleans (the good parts, that is) in and of itself, but what I really miss are all of my friendships that were there. You know, the deep kind that take lots of time and effort to build...often years.
Moving to a city where you don’t know a soul has some fun aspects, but there are some challenges as well.
One advantage is that you get to make new friends. We have met some very nice people, some of which will, I think, become very close friends, but deep friendships just take time to build.
Not knowing anyone has made me a little crazy lately. Those of you who know me should get a kick out of some actual thoughts that ran though my head yesterday...they are so un-typical for me:
"Should I go say hello to them?" "Why does she never speak to me?" "Did he think I was being flirtatious?" "Will these people think I’m sassy and arrogant when they see my sunglasses picture on my myspace?" "Did he know I was kidding?" "Did she know I was serious?"
I obsessed over writing 2 e-mails, 2 myspace messages and 1 comment. This is absolutely insane.
It’s not that I don’t worry about offending my New Orleans friends or that I feel like I can just be flippant and take their friendship for granted...it’s that I know them and they know me. We can pretty much figure out where the other is coming from.
I miss really knowing everyone. I mean, I never wondered rather or not I should hug Leah, sit next to Christian, talk to Matthew or e-mail James.
I never have to explain where I’m coming from to Shelby or wonder if Jeff took something I said the wrong way. I never apologized for "unloading" on Mrs. Yvette or wondered if I was approachable enough for Amanda to tell me what was on her heart.
Elise could read my mind and put a finger on what was troubling me before most people could even notice a thing.
You know, there really is something frightening about getting to know people - really getting to know people, not the "Hi, how are you?" "Fine, how are you?" friendships, those are easy - it’s the real friendships where things get complicated and risky.
When people see your strengths and weaknesses, triumphs and defeats, successes and failures - when people see enough of you to see who you really are - it’s a vulnerable position.
People have seen me both grow in my relationship with Christ and fail miserably. They’ve heard me say really stupid things, struggle with real issues and sometimes fall flat on my face.
I’ve been through some really tough times with people, and they’ve been through really though times with me. We have rejoiced together and walked together in the courts of the Lord.
I miss those relationships...I think I’m homesick.